It is common for partners to experience different levels of sexual desire at various points in their relationship. This is often called a desire discrepancy. While it can feel confusing, painful, or even threatening to the relationship, it does not mean something is broken. With the right support, many couples learn to navigate this challenge and build deeper intimacy.
What is a desire discrepancy?
A desire discrepancy occurs when one partner wants sexual connection more often than the other. This can show up in many ways. One partner may feel rejected. The other may feel pressured or misunderstood. Over time, this dynamic can lead to resentment, distance, and emotional disconnection if it is not addressed with care.
It is important to understand that desire naturally changes across the lifespan. Stress, health concerns, parenting, trauma history, hormonal changes, mental health, and relationship dynamics can all influence libido. There is no universal “normal” level of desire. What matters most is how partners communicate about their needs and how safe they feel doing so.
Why couples struggle to talk about sex
Many people grow up without healthy models for discussing sex and intimacy. Conversations about desire can bring up shame, fear of rejection, or concerns about being judged. Some partners avoid the topic altogether to prevent conflict. Others find themselves stuck in cycles of blame or withdrawal.
When communication breaks down, couples often stop feeling emotionally close. This can make sexual connection even more difficult, creating a painful cycle that feels hard to escape.
How couples therapy can help
Couples therapy offers a supportive space to explore desire differences with curiosity and compassion. Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, therapy focuses on understanding the deeper emotional needs underneath the conflict.
In therapy, couples often work on:
- Improving communication around sex, needs, and boundaries
- Understanding emotional and attachment needs that influence desire
- Reducing shame and increasing emotional safety
- Rebuilding trust and connection after conflict or hurt
- Creating realistic expectations for intimacy
- Finding creative, consensual ways to meet both partners’ needs
Desire discrepancies are rarely just about sex. They are often connected to feeling seen, valued, safe, and emotionally connected within the relationship.
You are not alone
Many couples experience challenges with desire at some point. Seeking support is not a sign of failure. It is a meaningful step toward growth. With guidance and intentional work, couples can move from frustration and distance to greater understanding and connection.
If you and your partner are struggling with differences in desire, couples therapy can help you have the conversations that feel too hard to navigate on your own. Support is available, and change is possible.
Interested in couples therapy? I offer virtual sessions for clients in California and Florida. Reach out to schedule a consultation and begin the work of strengthening your connection.
